I found Bela in a song

Yesterday I came across a song I hadn’t heard in over ten years - Brighter Than Sunshine by Aqualung.

As the melody filled the room, it carried me back to a woman I had almost forgotten. Not just a memory, but a version of myself that once existed so naturally that I never imagined she could disappear.

She was soft.

She was enamored with life.

And she believed deeply in the dream of true love.

For a moment, I was reunited with her.

And I realized something important: she had never truly died.

The Years I Learned to Harden

Returning to Angola changed me in ways I didn’t fully understand at the time.

In many ways, I felt I had to fit into a world that did not have much room for the softness I carried. Slowly, subtly, certain aspects of my personality began to fade. Certain passions quieted. Even the lens through which I saw the world shifted.

Somewhere along the way, it was impressed upon me that being soft, that seeing goodness in the world, was naïve. Worse still, it was dangerous.

Life reinforced that lesson in ways I could not have imagined.

My mother’s passing was a colossal blow. My marriage was a darkness from the very beginning. And in the middle of it all, I lost myself trying to be everything for everyone but myself.

I became a devoted wife to a husband who wanted me to be someone I was not.

A stepmother fighting to earn the trust of two boys. A mother struggling to building an emotional bond with my my own son.

I managed a household that never quite felt mine.

Inside, I was slowly disappearing.

I became a shell of a person, trying desperately to mold myself into a woman my husband could feel compelled to protect, to honor, to desire, to love. I was depressed. I was suicidal. I was emotionally and geographically cut off from my family and friends.

And yet, even in that darkness, something inside me was still alive - quietly waiting.

The Long Process of Remembering

Finding myself again did not happen in a moment of clarity. It required a decision that was both terrifying and necessary.

I had to walk away.

I had to regain my family and my friends. I had to rethink what I liked, what my dreams were, and who I wanted to become.

Most of all, I had to begin the long and difficult process of remembering.

I stumbled many times along the way. I tried to save a relationship that had already failed far too many times, losing more pieces of myself in the process.

But slowly, painfully, the release began.

Each day I made a simple commitment: to love myself a little more than the day before.

My father, my son, my siblings, my nieces, and my extraordinary circle of friends became anchors in my healing journey. They helped remind me of who I was, even when I had forgotten.

The Softness That Never Left

Today, I notice small signs that something beautiful is returning.

I no longer cringe at demonstrations of love.I feel a deep appreciation for the world around me.I carry myself with more grace, even through my mistakes.

I give myself time to change, to improve, to fail again, and to grow.

There is a quiet peace within me now. A gratitude that fills my mind, my heart, my soul, and permeates my life in a way I don’t think I had ever felt before.

The younger woman I once was was an oblivious romantic - intuitively gentle and kind.

The woman I am today understands life differently.

Life hardened me so I would not crumble under its weight. But it also taught me that softness is not weakness. It is something that must simply be protected.

And when I heard that song again, I realized something that filled me with hope:

The softness in me had not died.

It had simply lain dormant, waiting patiently to be found again.

The Woman I Am Becoming

When I think about the future, I imagine a woman who is loving, nurturing, and brave.

She is self-sustained in every way.She is thriving in life.

She connects people in a chain of love. She cares about our shared dignity and lifts others up.

Her wealth is not only material - it is her health, her peace, and her infinite love for all things.

What I Now Know

If someone reading this feels like they have lost themselves along the way, I want them to know one thing:

Loving yourself is non-negotiable.

Nothing in this world is worth losing yourself over.

But if you do lose yourself - and many of us will at some point - there is always space to remember, to rescue, and to heal the best parts of the person you once were.

Sometimes all it takes is a song to remind you that she is still there.

Waiting.