A case for Self-Mentoring

Sometimes, the mentor you need is the one staring back at you in the mirror.

I've had my fair share of mentors and coaches, and I can't say the experience has always been positive.

Don't get me wrong. I deeply respect the value these professionals bring to the lives of so many. However, my experiences often left me feeling unheard, unsupported, or simply let down.

I've worked with coaches more interested in shaming their unnamed clients and gatekeeping resources. I've even been ghosted by some.

So, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

Self-development has always fascinated me. As a child, my parents gave me fairy tale books to learn how to read and write in English. They were seemingly simple gifts, but they planted in me, seeds of curiosity. I would spend days engrossed in the stories, the drawings and an English-Portuguese dictionary that opened my eyes to hundreds of new words.  

Today, my passion for personal growth hasn't dimmed—but time and energy, and access are limited.

Still, I persist.

Self-development, despite its challenges, has proven to be rewarding. It has saved me money, helped me gain clarity, and reminded me that learning doesn't need a hefty price tag. Today, we have an abundance of free and affordable resources at our disposal. Podcasts, online courses, books, vlogs and blogs are all great resources for learning. The real challenge is focus: knowing where to begin and not getting lost in piles of useless content.

As Dr. Marsha Carr (2015) outlines, self-mentoring unfolds across four levels: self-awareness, self-reflection, self-monitoring, and self-development. Each stage demands intentional, internal work—no shortcuts, no substitutions. In every sense, it is a journey inward before it is ever a leap forward.

 Straying from our goals is not the problem, the problem is not correcting course once you realize you strayed.

The truth is, self-development is not a luxury; it's a necessity, especially for those of us who can't afford to wait for the perfect coach, mentor, or moment. It is also about learning to listen inwardly before seeking validation outward. Growth, like healing, begins with radical ownership. Sometimes, the most transformative progress happens when we stop outsourcing our potential and start believing in our ability to guide ourselves.

The journey will not be linear and in many instances, it won’t be fluid, but growth rarely comes from perfect and well executed plans. It comes from a consistent curiosity to discover who you are becoming along the way and curating your world accordingly.

In the midst of my non-linear life experiences, I created a quiet compass; a way to create rhythm when life feels scattered and it helps me return to my plans and goals when I feel I am losing myself. Each stage of this compass—Ground, Gather, Grow, Guard, Guide—brings me back to self-awareness, self-reflection, self-monitoring and self-development. Straying from our goals is not the problem, the problem is not correcting course once you realize you strayed.

And so, I move forward—gently, deliberately—choosing to guide myself with the same care I once hoped to find in others. Growth, after all, begins the moment we stop waiting for permission and start believing that we can lead ourselves home.

Young Bela

I recently rewatched a movie from my girlhood. I had been stuck, going in circles around a closer time, a time filled with trauma on repeat seeking to harden me, jade me, but lately, I’ve been returning to a time when everything was new. It tracks. I’ve been transitioning to this new phase for a while and I am solidly here; slowly shedding the trauma and looking around in wonder, just looking not searching – I wouldn’t know what I am searching for – but finding things I thought I lost and things I never knew I loved.

This movie was the epitome of sensuality and discovery to my young, naïve heart, but years on, it is exactly what the movie is about. Age didn’t jade me. Heartbreak didn’t harden me. I see so much of me in that young girl who watched this movie looking back in dread that someone would catch her.

The soundtrack alone ties that young girl to the young lady I became and further on to the woman I am. It reveals a connectivity I never knew was there. The soundtrack is made of songs I would grow to love and sing and dance to, in an apparently unrelated time; It is all connected.

I often speak to younger versions of me. I complement them, I thank them, I hold them close and tell them all is right. Yet, it’s through this old movie that I feel closer to older versions of me. I am so grateful for who young Bela was. Poor thing felt so awkard. Hell! Everyone told her she was awkward, and she believed them. She didn’t know that she simply had other colorings; she still does, and that doesn’t make her awkward – It makes her the best of me.

The movie is Stealing Beauty (1996).